Roller Coasters and Ice Cream

I LOVE roller coasters. Always have loved them and always will. I’ve never been afraid to ride anything. The thrill of riding a roller coaster for the first time is indescribable. Not knowing where the next turn or drop will take you and not knowing what is coming next is exhilarating to me. An amusement park is one of my favorite places to go – Carowinds, Kings Dominion, the rides at Disney. You name them, I love them. My favorite is probably the Rock-n-Roller Coaster in Hollywood Studios at Disney. It’s all in the dark and goes 0-60 in 2.8 seconds and that literally takes your breath away. Not to mention you get to listen to Aerosmith the whole time which makes it even better! The adrenaline alone is totally worth it!!

This journey is extremely similar to a roller coaster. Some days you feel on top of the world, and then without warning you are jerked to the bottom of the bottom. The twists and turns that you go through on a regular basis are honestly exhausting. Justin and I made the decision after our last round of injections, that we were going back to clomid because of money. Injections are expensive — $1000 out-of-pocket each month. Clomid is much more affordable — so we are kind of “taking some time off”. Taking a step back in my mind is “Taking some time off”. I thought that by taking time off it wouldn’t be as emotional, or hard, or frustrating. Well I’ve learned a valuable lesson — it’s always emotional, it’s always hard and the frustrations never end. Today I went to the Dr to be told that for “some reason” my eggs didn’t get to the size they need to be in order to do an IUI. Surprisingly I wasn’t upset — I took it extremely well! There were NO tears! YAAAY!! However it’s still frustrating.

I also experienced a high point of the roller coaster ride this weekend. I spent time Saturday with some of the greatest friends in the entire world. Justin and I have been blessed in Roanoke to have what I think are hands down the best group of friends ANYONE could ever ask for. Their support and love is never-ending. Most of them have children. Which some people would think would make it extremely hard to be around them. Honestly for me it’s the exact opposite. The pure joy and excitement that the kids get when we come around makes me feel so good. Saturday night, out of the blue, my nephew Carson came up to me and said, “Hey Laura — I love you more than Ice Cream!”. Now he was being silly — but that meant the world to me. More tha ICE CREAM?? I don’t know about you, but that’s a big deal. Playing Saturday with Carson and the other kids truly made it a special day.

No we haven’t had children yet, and obviously we aren’t pregnant. It could be an even longer road ahead to get our own children. However I have several children at my disposal who I love and adore — and to hear, “I love you more than Ice Cream” makes my day. The hug and love of a child, even though they aren’t mine, remind me that one day I WILL be a Mom, and I will get to experience this love on an entirely new level. That feeling alone renews my hope and strength to keep going and to not give up!

My Mom passed on a verse to me that is now written on my bathroom mirror. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13. It’s all about hope! And in this roller coaster that we are on, it’s important to focus on the top of the top and get out of the bottom as quickly as possible!

Sometimes you just need a little reminder that there are people who love you more than ice cream 🙂

1 in 8…

As a little girl, I dreamed of “happily ever after”. I knew that one day I was going to meet my “Prince Charming” and have a family of my own. Six years ago, I met my Prince Charming when Justin stepped into my life. I moved to Virginia and then we were married in May of 2009. In October of 2010 we started trying to have a baby. It was such an exciting time in our lives. But after the first few months, nothing happened. We were a little discouraged but knew it could take some time so there was no stress yet. Then month after month after month, we weren’t pregnant. Finally after seeing my OBGYN, they recommended that I see a Fertility Specialist. In March of 2012 we began to see a local fertility specialist. He ran several tests on both Justin and myself and they all came back great. Our hopes were high! In June 2012 I got that desired positive pregnancy test, and then miscarried a week later. I remember the Doctor telling me “most people wouldn’t even realize they were pregnant”. Either way, it hurt and was extremely devastating for us. Now we have had 8 IUI’s, and several rounds of clomid and injections. I also had surgery in February to try to see if my tubes were blocked and they are not. So now we keep pressing hard on this journey….hoping and praying that one day our miracle will happen.

Infertility is a disease. It affects 1 out of 8 couples. 1 out of 8….and honestly I never expected to be the 1. A lot of our friends and family know what is going on and have been nothing but incredible supportive. Justin and I realize that we are incredibly blessed to have the most amazing support system out there. Both of our parents, families, friends are constantly calling, texting and checking in on us to see how we are. It’s truly a blessing to have such amazing people in our lives.

So why speak out now? Why after 15 months did I decide to start blogging about this? This is National Infertility Week and due to some recent events, I now have the courage to speak out about my disease. Justin and I fall into the “unexplained” infertility category. They haven’t found anything “wrong” yet. We are probably going to get a 2nd opinion this fall, once we figure out more finances and where we want to go from here. But for the first time in 15 months, I feel like I deserve to feel the way I feel. Some days I feel sad, some days I am just plain angry, and others just hopeless. There is such a cloud over infertility and speaking out about how it affects you. I don’t want to live under that cloud anymore. I want to be an advocate for infertility awareness as well as serve as support for anyone else who happens to be going through this. I am getting involved in a support group here in Roanoke starting next month. I’m already plugged into a group online. It’s amazing the strength and determination that these women have. I know we are just starting on our journey. A lot of people struggle with this for years and years. This is by far the most challenging thing I’ve ever been through…..but lucky for me, I’ve realized that I’m not alone.

“Faith….It does not make things easy, it makes them possible” Without my faith, there is no way I would still be standing on my own 2 feet. God has shown his love to me in ways I didn’t even dream possible. Mandisa sings a song called “Stronger” and in that she says “Cause if he started this work in your life, He will be faithful to complete it”. I know God’s not finished with Justin and I yet. I know that he wants us to be parents in some way, shape or form. How we will be parents, I’m not sure yet. But I have the faith and hope that it WILL happen! I will get my “happily ever after” in God’s time….when it’s our time we will be parents!

Please keep us in your prayers — we know that is what has gotten us this far and we know it will be what keeps us going in the future.

With Love,
Laura